Turn Everything Random In.

It is a choice. It is perverse. It is because of the lack of a proper family unit. It is temptation. It is the world. It is the norm. It is a sin. It, cannot be compatible with Christian.

For the last six months I was gay. Now I am a Christian. Actually, I have always been a Christian, just backslided for six months. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM.

I am a black sheep. I am a corporate monster. I am a child of God. I DON’T KNOW.

But this I know - God is good, God loves me even as I have been a terrible person, where sin abounds, God’s grace abounds further, God loves me. He has allowed me to come back and feel the love from the church - a warm love; care and concern. Being back here reminds me of why I love this place, so much, and the people. As much as I struggle, I must endure. For he who endures to the end shall be saved. I don’t know if Im saved, but I want to be. I don’t want it for the holiday, but for everything that comes with it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that. I’ve had enough warning. I know. I know.

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride! And I have the Lord on my side, as long as I want Him to be.

I swear - God has provided me with the best laoshi on earth. Who lets their student come over for chinese new year visiting, talk for hours, then lets her student stayover?

She said - even if you don’t have another community, or you’re trapped in that 个人 box, God will provide another way out for you. And its true, He did. And now I can truly be thankful that Jasmine exists in my life, that 6 hour conversations happened at Arab Street, that I have a chinese tuition teacher who loved, and loves me.

Some are born this way, some grow up this way, some choose to be this way because its the trend. I am, classic born this way, I once said. People who choose to be gay though they are straight, that’s a sin. But if you are born this way, acceptance by society is the way forward. The middle option - grow up this way - is one that is highly debatable, whatsnew. They can be changed, those middle kids. But it is very tricky, not to make someone become what they’re not. Talk to them, she said.

But she believes in acceptance. She does.

There is always a choice. Say no. “But 这个不是 say no to drugs leh, 这个是 say no to something good(church)!’

We say no not because write are bad, but because we cannot - physically, mentally - take the pressure and strain.

I need to learn to say no.

NO.NO.NO.

NO i am not gonna continue this. Don’t explode, just be. And be you. The only sin is to change what is natural to what is not - and natural doesn’t mean heterosexual. -winks-

Okay damn. I MISS MY LAOSHI. She’s so amazing. Now time to sleep on this couch that I routinely fall asleep on every week before lesson. NIGHT.

Gay date with gay man. This was my trip, my adventure. Chinatown and its hidden, yet obvious spots. The tour was amazing, dinner at Korean restaurant was good, everything after was unexpected.

As we were doing our rounds (literally), the analyst in us came out - gay, not gay. HAHA

Maxwell for a while; I was just observing, everything. Ah, and we complained about dumb ass straight men who have horrible fashion sense, and are extremely pretentious.

On the way to tantric, I saw a familiar face, with her girlfriend. I wasn’t sure, I was shy, I didn’t know what to do. In the bar, everyone was checking him out, I was so unflattered. We were discussing birds and …things, when they walked in and proceeded to take a seat beside me. The whole time we were trying to look at each other yet not get caught, it was like a little game. As I tried to get a look at the girlfriend, I saw her (gf) staring at me. Okay turn back and panic. I felt so courage-less, though I already had a drink. When they left - we had eye contact, sustained eye contact for about 3 seconds. Some sort of acknowledgment of presence, I think.

Play on Friday night - started off boring but became insane after a cute dancing-with-swinging-lights boy and a drag queen who did a nicki minaj super bass. Well there were three lao lesbians who were terribly envious of my dance moves heh, but the rest were gay men, fucking fabulous and cute men. I thought there’d be some action when dance boy sat down then shook hands with Austin, but i’m too shy lah, he said. The night became exciting when he met some friend who introduced us to a bunch of other people, and cute femme boy in all his glamour waved and introduced himself - I didn’t catch his name, but his voice is so, so gay. Love him. And the blue shirt guy - he grabbed me and everything after was highly inappropriate, but aiya gay man, nevermind. He was clearly drunk; he kept pulling me towards him, and almost kissed me. This is so ironic, so right yet so wrong - do two homosexuals make a heterosexual pair? Im gay, I said, as he bent down to (almost kiss) hug me. All of them were laughing, and so was I. Another time he reached out to grab my hand, I pulled myself next to girl, put my arm around her and gave him the ‘Im really not a gay man’ look. So i gave girl my number and told her to invite me whenever she was clubbing again. Her friend was so fucking fabulous too, love him. I think that maybe I am a gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body. I love them twinks.

Dancing with gay men, always so deborturous.

Femme boy told me to cross my legs like he did, and in a very femme way.

Austin also said that I’m like a dude when I’m drunk. “But I’m a butch, I’m allowed to be a dude.” That was ultimate disregard for my own position on labels.

I had such a great time.

I LOVE GAY MEN.

A new house, which took lots of effort and charm to get.

I am slightly free - everyone, come to my house to party!

The first day of freedom isn’t too bad.

- Came to work at 10, after getting breakfast #likeaboss

- Had a 1.5h lunch for 2 bucks

- Received invite for photo event (and I’m quite excited, because it will be such a gay event)

- Now I stay so, so near J - we can go out for dinner or running, whatever. Excuse x 10. Also, this will be interesting. heh.

- Talked about gay date with gay bro.

“And please dress comfortably and maybe a bit lesbo to see whether you can get any girls horh.”

“I will come in work attire lah, damn lesbian one. Its a shirt eh, and maybe wear berms… If I get girl… Can take home hurhur.”

 - Dinner + jigsaw puzzle.

Life is totally happening.

Also, I love it when I’ve always gotta reply messages, no matter what platform :)

—

I’m not supposed to be so radical, because girls will run away from me. I’m not even as intellectual as my dear friend, but yes - she’s right - I shouldn’t make my gay identity my whole identity.

20% of me is gay. But the 80% has been out so long, I’m only concerned with possibly 23% with myself right now. 20% gay, 2% soccer, 1% trying to maintain peace with family. So as of now, I’m 20/23 x 100% = 87.0% gay (3 s.f.)

—

Actually I’m just really really happy. This is the rainbow unicorn life.